Alchemise your resentments

ROGUE - a Peer to Peer Missive

Nov 11

A long read for FEW members only.

Back in 2020 while the world began to spiral I held fast, holding my clients, my family and friends close; being the voice of reason in a slew of conspiracy, misinformation and of course, a very real Global Pandemic. I had a thriving online group coaching programme and high-level mastermind, was on the Executive Committee of the British Chamber of Commerce, Board of Directors for Refugee Empowerment International, running a 2-year leadership programme for the British Embassy in Tokyo and had many one to one coaching clients. I ran clothes swaps, attended retreats, and was an active member of many groups in Tokyo. I watched my clients win awards as I was nominated for them and I was taking full advantage of the hotels being so cheap in Tokyo during COVID; inviting clients to 5-star nights out, drinking champagne and just having so much fun. My husband quit his job so I was gloriously running the family, folding him into my business until he found his next role.

But something was off.

Very off.

When I'd gone to LA in 2019, I felt wrong.

When I went on retreat in Bali, I cried so hard, pretty standard on retreat, but this felt unhinged. I could feel resentments rising.

I felt unhinged.

Relationships began to fracture.

In 2021 something pretty major happened that signalled that something was very wrong; that signalled the way I was drinking alcohol was not good (I still continued drinking like I had a back-up liver for another year mind - classic problem-drinker bargaining). I felt insane and was having very dark thoughts and began to panic in a way I hadn't before.

I was burning out.

It was undiagnosed ADHD burn-out.

It was binge-drinking burn-out.

It was perimenopause and severe anaemia incoming.

It was all of that, and something had to give.

I burned out.

By the time February is the New January marketing cycle came round in 2022 I knew I could not do another round - I was burned out. Completely in burn-out. Late-stage exhaustion as burn-out Coach Christine O'Neill, describes it. It crept up on me. Kinda, but now I can see the signs. I thought I was alright you see. Mama bear to my clients, to my friends with kids, and an empathetic ear to my family. The real breaking point came when I was on my friend's bachelorette party - I drank so much I blacked out and fell over, cutting my face and causing a scene. I could have died. I could have fallen over in front of a taxi. I could have been seriously injured. I created work for the people at the party. Not to mention a woman in her 50s stumbling around Roppongi is not a good look.

The next day I researched alcohol mindset coaches. The next month, at my ten years in business party, I had my last ever drink. The following day I had my first alcohol mindset coaching.

And oh my God - that's when 'the Menostorm' really kicked in. Alcohol-free, hormones dipping and diving, ADHD all over the place, because apparently the delicate balance of drinking and oestrogen had JUST ABOUT been holding this in some kind of balance.

Sayonara balance.

And then came the flood. And the tennis ball thing inside my uterus that led to severe anaemia and being unable to leave the house for days. I'll spare you the details but you can find my candid reporting on this phase of my life in my podcast under Creative Musings. By the time Winter 2023 had kicked in I was desperate and with my doctor, we decided surgery would be best. I spent the week before Christmas having my uterus removed and recovering from said surgery. Ah sweet relief. I jokingly referred to that week as one of the best weeks of my life - in hospital, being cared for, with a fantastic view, smooth surgery, nothing to do, no way out and everyone has one job. Look after me and other patients. Everyone with curtains drawn around them. I became obsessed with Lisa O'Neill, Kathy Burke and sketching. One week later I would do a 10km walk in my neighbourhood with friends. I thought I was a total legend doing this but I was perhaps being an over-achiever given I'd just had a major organ removed. No regrets but I do see this as symptomatic of someone who needs to slow down a bit who doesn't slow down enough but thinks they are going oh so slow. And are lazy (a common myth perpetuated about oneself, as a result of helpful inputs from other people, if one has ADHD).

Sober, Wombless, and unmedicated. I knew enough to know I needed to give myself time to recover. To recover physically, mentally, in my spirit and also to recover from the shame of closing down my lovely one-year FNJ programme

So I started a writing programme with my friend, a poet, Carolyn. And continued to support people in grief on the Lighthouse Circle, that was started in the midst of the Menostorm in 2021, and had a lot of the one-year programme clients jump into one to one coaching. And clothes swaps.

But burn-out - my God - it lives inside you like a soft gentle invisible scar.

Late stage exhaustion.

If you are not going to let your body take rest, it's going to force you to take rest. To restore and to make room for regeneration.

That first year of sobriety was brutal - every single thought, shame, and sadness that had been regulated by a booze drink since I was fifteen (yes you read that right - I’m Gen X - OK?) came cascading in - I'm still amazed at the things that trickle from my subconscious even now after three years sober.

While I'm not quite ready to become a menopause, burn-out or sober specialist coach yet, I am still very interested in burn-out and how I can help clients, friends and the collective to avoid it, recognise it or live through it. To take steps toward more peace. As I write this (I take nothing for granted) I am perhaps the happiest and most content I have ever been. Sober, in regular therapy, with an excellent therapist, taken care of in part financially by my husband, I have great people in the business, lovely clients, new projects on the horizon and the collective of people who are in my constellation right now light me up. I'm running a sold-out retreat at the weekend with a dear friend and collaborator, had a successful and enjoyable clothes swap last weekend and I'm supporting FEW from the sidelines as they transition from a difficult few years. I'm rested, I sleep well, I'm on HRT, I do yoga twice a week and I live in a place I love.

I am still scared of burn-out.

I still seek out grounded information about burn-out and one of my mentors, mastercoach Lori Shook, did a wonderful conversation with burn-out coach, Christine O'Neill, that I listened to it earlier this year. Burn-out is when your nervous system entirely shuts you down because it is over-burdened and can no longer function. I did not realise this and I did not realise that I was in any danger. I thought I was OK but I WAS NOT. But I did not know I was not. It transpires that I did not even know how to 'self care', although I thought I was doing splendidly, and still have to really go slow and deep with my therapist to even get an idea of how to do that - I'm getting there. I had great friends, superb clients, I love my work, I like my husband, I live in paradise a train ride from Tokyo and a walk from an ocean view of Mount Fuji. And yet I still fear the catatonic and depressing state of burn-out.

I think I'm a kind of tipping point realisor - this is perhaps the dark side of resilience and the 'strong woman' archetype. You can endure until you can't and then suddenly - that's it. I am unlearning this.

So anyway, listening to that conversation - I suddenly sat bolt upright when, at the very end of the conversation they realised they hadn't addressed ‘what to do if you are already in burn-out’ and so, in a hasty download Christine O'Neill said - RESENTMENT JOURNALING.

Suddenly my ears pricked up, my body changed inside and my eyes widened - WHAT? This is like the antithesis of toxic positivity. Or spiritual bypass. Or if you think it you’ll manifest it.

RESENTMENT JOURNALING?

She said - forget gratitude journaling, once you're IN burn-out - that won't even hit the sides. Futile. You need to do a resentment journal so you can locate where you need to tune up your boundaries. OK thanks BYE!

WHAAAAAAT?

The webinar was over - but my brain was on the very best kind of fire - I furiously made notes, Googled, Clauded(?), reached into my own toolbox, and pulled together a flow of tools, techniques and magic and outlined ROGUE - alchemise your resentments into boundaries. I love the word ROGUE - I wish more women would go rogue - I feel like that's what my clients do. I feel like they play around the edges and are pretty rogue. I also think that actually admitting, acknowledging and downloading one's resentments is pretty rogue too - there is certainly a narrative in coaching that says we should not have resentments, regrets or have shadowy feelings. NO THANKS. This resentment downloading, play and processing; this is a simple framework I can really get behind. AND IT WORKS! I can't say it cures burn-out but it certainly points you toward it so you can see it, look at it, and the impact it has on you, and point you toward where you can start to have an impact on it. And once you have the framework and can play in it, you can begin to do this repeatedly.

I can tell you the shadow of the burn-out still inhabits me, and quite right too. I have one precious, human body and one precious life and I am not going to spend it trying to prove I can keep running without pause, am resilient to the point I shut down or don't lean into this opportunity I have been offered in life.

An update.

I am three years sober and feel extremely well. I never have a hangover, I do not miss drinking, my life has changed socially beyond recognition, also interestingly, the deep friendships I had before have not altered one bit. But the drinking ones have. Physically my body is the same shape and size, but I never ever have to think about drinking, about hangovers and on the odd occasion I think about a nice smooth glass of red wine slipping down and warming me, it is reflexively accompanied by a burning sensation in my stomach and liver.

I take nothing for granted so I am vigilant but I feel like sobriety is the greatest gift I have given myself.

After a trip to England this year, I came away feeling emotionally fried and unable to self-coach my way out. I had done enough research to know that now was the time to try out HRT and it's worked. I feel a lot better. I take the tablets daily and while it doesn't suit everyone, it has been a great relief for me. I also started therapy online with a very good therapist who has been unravelling my resistance to taking care of myself in surprising and confronting ways. It's been a game changer.

After a massage in England, I was told my back was more or less fused together! I was annoyed that I am not perfect, yet not so unhinged that I didn’t take note; that is her job, She does it every day, so she knew. I decided to start yoga in my hometown. I go twice a week to over-50s and Hatha. It's gentle and soft but has been great in so many ways. It puts me in communion with my local community - more people to wave at, more people to say hello to, a way to feel safety and belonging. My yoga teacher says this collective love is part of yoga. It is about being in communion as well as stretching and strengthening. Breathing is a big part of these practices, and activating the body's systems. I am really enjoying these techniques and for the first time ever am sticking to it - I feel no need to push and our teacher does not encourage that either. 9:45am Monday and Wednesday I get on my bicycle and head to yoga. I feel like Twyla Tharpe in her taxi in New York.

In late October, my husband was in Europe and a family member was in Japan and invited me to join them in Fukuoka, a city 1000km away, as they had already seen Tokyo. I thought about it long and hard and decided that rather than travelling and dealing with all those logistics, I would take a week off work, and have a home-holiday. A week entirely to myself.

This has now taken over as the best week of my life.

The goal was to see just how relaxed I could be. How calm I could make my sympathetic nervous system and how activated my parasympathetic nervous system could be.

As it turns out - the answer is a lot.

I had 3 massages Thursday, Friday, Saturday, two sound baths, and moved at my own pace, eating what I liked, strolling where I liked, with whom I liked, and I had lunch with old friends and then attended a Daruma Visions workshop to kick it all off, followed by therapy. I spent all the money I would have spent on travel, hotels and food on my body, mind and spirit and boy oh boy was it worth it. I felt a rush of excitement every time I was on my way home to settle in for the night in sweet solitude. I was happy to welcome my husband home.

My resentment toward travelling to a family member pointed me toward a sweet and sacred 'no'.

It could have been a 'yes' but at a cost. And the cost was too high. Not only did I find the boundary, I planted flowers and watched them bloom.

I went rogue.

Resentment to boundary. Resentment to investment. Resentment to rest.

Join us at the Rogue FEW Peer to Peer session to begin the Rogue process and alchemise your resentments into boundaries.