sit with them
An insight into coaching from over the years.
One of the most challenging part of coaching is sitting with people.
It might sound daft but sitting, in quiet, not talking and allowing the client to quietly allow things to emerge without guiding, mentoring or coaching is a super-skill, one I am constantly refining. It really is the root of the notion of ‘holding space’. That space is an actual entity. Stay with me.
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No space is inactive. Every pause, silence, or non-verbal stretch, no matter how long is filled with texture and activity. Cognitive activity, physiological activity and interpersonal activity.
If you want to make it really interesting also add intuitive activity, ethereal activity, and spirity activity.
If you want to go full-tilt fairytale, the magic is weaving in the spaces in-between the verbal channel.
One way or the other it allows for the client to sit with whatever is happening, in the moment, and feel the discomfort or the delight of working things out. From these quiet points emerge matters of the human.
A coach’s skill will determine the length and space that opens - awkward silence can turn into something unpleasant - we want just enough to allow and edge to be revealed, and inflection point, a realisation that may have been buried under words.
Breathing changes, gaze moves, expression shifts, demeanour alters.
It’s a real skill to hold this space as coach; being reflexive, reflective and noticing one’s own discomfort or projections in the moment is essential. And not always and not all the time - silence and quiet are tools in a coach’s tool box, not to be dogmatically applied to every client in all situations.
And it’s also a real gift to the client - allowing them to really examine responses beyond set-pieces, well worn tropes, or ‘trying to get it right for coach’.
Client: ‘Is that what you meant?’
Coach: ‘I don’t know………………’
Beyond that, deep within the coaching session or the time in between, is more wisdom that sits beyond what the culture has delivered to you and how far or how much outside that culture or inside it, that one wishes to play is really up to the client, not the coach.
We are not really here to offer advice, we are here to steward your choices and next steps. Which could well be no steps. Which can be extremely frustrating to the coach who wants action from their clients. Because no action is action. Back to silence. Silence is not nothing. Silence has texture, tone and movement.
Silence is golden is the old saying. I can hear my Grandma’s voice…
This doesn’t only apply to in-session matters, it applies outside-of-session too. People’s lives and timelines are on their own trajectories and they may not match up with the coach's initial ideas. Of course, there are times to go fast, to speed things up and to ensure speedy decision are made. Visas, passports, taxes and court hearings wait for no-one. Last days at work, first days at work and moving dates ought to be met, circumstances willing. Coaches can help meet circumstances.
Clients have their own timelines.
Luck has its own timeline.
Action has its own timeline.
And watching those unfold at THEIR, the client’s pace is interesting, delightful and sometimes magical - they have the knowledge, coach has the stewardship. The longer I go into my development as coach and as client, the more detached I become from imagined timelines. Lives and actions will unfold as they unfold. And this is where the real juice arises. Being a coach is different to being a friend. A friend might tell you to ‘leave the bastard! Confront her! Get it all out - tell them everything you are feeling!’.
A seasoned coach will carefully examine the context with the client, partner with the client, and really try to, sometimes over and over again, surface what the client wants and is capable of given their context, and adjust that with the clients over and over again as we spiral round the same matters over and over again uncovering patterns, hidden dreams and actions. I hold the highest dream for clients and their vision, in my mind as a future reality.
IT’S NOT ONLY ABOUT THE CLIENT.
Context is key.
MONEY IS REAL.
Context is key.
EMOTIONS ARE IMPORTANT.
Context is key.
RELATIONSHIPS SYSTEMS EXIST.
Surroundings change - contexts shift.
REAL LIFE OPPORTUNITIES AND LIMITS EXIST BEYOND ‘MINDSET’
Sometimes clients have more opportunity, possibility, or assets than they have told themselves or you.
Sometimes they have less than they have assessed and need to find resources or alter current plans.
Sometimes options for loans are broader than one thinks.
Sometimes people stay in dull marriages for safety, security and companionship reasons. Or childcare for that matter.
Sometimes the people they look up to or believe have built everything themselves have received land, homes, refurbishments, inheritances, comfort and encouragement from outside sources; partners, spouses, parents, grandparents, winnings, incredible good luck, a hand up from a friend.
Sometimes they are addicted to struggle, or the idea that they are ‘doing it all themselves’ when in fact they could reassess and notice they have options - options that include more peace, stability and less ‘hard work’. Sometimes they are fighting abusive and insulting messages in their heads, long-since planted without invitation by people who fed off their diminished enthusiasm.
Sometimes they were set up for emotional success, secure attachment and a feeling of being loved, believed and nurtured and we can really lean into that and create ease in that area of their lives.
Sometimes they will have been convinced in serious ways by some charlatan or other that they are in control of everything - that their thoughts and energy are responsible for everything. Their vibe. And that they should jettison people and things that don’t serve them and if they don’t get what they want it’s their fault for holding onto things that are getting in the way of their manifesting or they are thinking about it too hard or too attached to it - HOLY THOUGHT POLICE. Then it is a gentle and sensitive deprogramming or small degree by degree shifts toward something sustainable and ethical, from a good coach or therapist. We can do this. On your timeline.
Sometimes the people around them are drains, dream-killers and low-key abusive, yet for many complex reasons, moving them on and out of their lives is not a choice they want to make right now. Custody issues are real. Loneliness is real. Financial interdependence is real. In ones 20s and 30s these moves have more years ahead of them to realign - consequence and collateral is different. In one’s 50s 60s 70s we understand the nuances of life and the many ways in which people make choices.
That said I have seen people leave their spouse in their 70s after 30 years of thinking about it. People in their 50s completely rebuild their lives from the burning wreck of their partner’s addictions. People find love in their 40s and build a solid work and romantic relationships that exceed all potential separately. People in their 60s move away from spouses and start businesses and remain married, with an ambiguous timeline for coming back together, people in their 60s discover hurtful things about a spouse but choose not to confront it in favour of maintaining the certainty of the union. I have seen people of all ages bereft, grieving and frightened piece together lives from ruins or change direction to tend to grief or sudden changes in circumstances.
Sometimes people are just really goddam tired in their bones, psyche and spirit.
I’ve got you.
Sometimes clients are truly up $h1t Creek but there is in fact a golden paddle just out of sight - one that coach has co-discovered with another client or associate before, or that was not in the client’s field of knowledge, imaginings or experience. Creative coaching is always looking for what is just out of sight.
Sometimes one session into a 6-month engagement the client gets what they wanted, much faster than they dreamed up and the coach moves with that. Such fun! One minute you’re risk-assessing a career u-turn and preparing for a series of interviews, the next you’re talking about the joy of jigsaw puzzles.
“Do you want me to push or and give you discreet deadlines or do you want to let this unfold as it does - I feel like I want to speed things up, so I want to bring that to our awareness, but it has to be your timeline…” *
Client timelines can speed up or slow down or go at exactly the pace aniticipated and coach must move with that. AND it is NEVER coach’s timeline and with each expectation we dream up for the client we must invite the client in, examine and get consent in identifying their next step. Coaching is a skill, a privilege and an honour and watching people flourish and move through their lives with clarity and truth, even when its hard is job satisfaction.
First we tell the truth, then we tell the truth again, then we check the truth. Then we identify the next action or inaction, then we look at the new context and your assets - actual, psychological and spiritual, then we work with the new truth as it unfolds.
